Since
last we met on this blog, I've been catching up on my book
reading -- or, should I say, book
tasting, for it is now the rare book that
captures my attention from beginning to end. But what I might
find tasty, you might wish to devour, so I'm happy to share my reading
experience.
For a mere five bucks, I picked up a used edition of "Shakespeare's Insults: Educating Your Wit,"
compiled by Wayne F. Hill and Cynthia J.
Öttchen. This edition,
published by Ebury Press, dates from 1996 and contains a life's worth
of witty put-downs. In a culture saturated with smack-talking and
pathetic online putdowns ("man, u r fat, and your singing suks"), it is
refreshing to see the insult perfected to an art form.
"Shakespeare gets the last word," write the editors. "He can lend you
just the fulsome, dripping line to drop on your pretentious boss, your
mother-in-law, that other driver. ... Indulge
yourself. His genius sticks. This book collects the
smartest stings ever to snap from the tip of an English-speaking
tongue. Go practice. Begin in the mirror."
How about some general abuse:
You drone; snail; slug; sot; ass; drunkard; churl; malt-horse; capon;
idiot; patch; minion; baggage; goer-backward; cuckold; drudge; empiric;
taffeta punk; scolding queen; scurvy lord; witty fool; clog; rude boy;
hater of love; despiteful Juno; jackanape with scarves; bubble; hourly
promise-breaker; infinite and endless liar; coxcomb; sprat.
How about some handy expletives:
A pox of wrinkles! A pestilence on you! Go hang yourself! A
bugbear take you! Go shake your ears! Bolts and shackles! Fire and brimstone! Hang him, plum porridge! Disgrace and
blows! Let all the dukes and devils roar! Go rot!
Need some ready insults for particular occasions?
Against the rotund: "If your girdle should break, how would thy guts full about thy knees!"
Against the smelly: "His breath stinks with eating toasted cheese."
Against the disloyal: "There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune."
Against stupidity: "His brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage."
Against the contemptible: "What a disgrace is it to me to remember thy name."
Pop Quiz:
Here are four insults thrown against people of questionable sexual
morality. Three come from Shakespeare. One comes from
responses on
YouTube. Try to guess which is which:
1. "She was a common gamester to the camp."
2. "You are one that converses more with the buttock of the night than with the forehead of the morning."
3. "You are an index and prologue to the history of lust and foul thoughts."
4. "U r a skank and a ho."
One of my first editors gave me some good advice...
